We’ve read the shocking statistics; around 50 percent of marriages today end in divorce. Among those relationships that survive, another percentage settles into a familiar co-existence, based on habit or frustration.
It is tough keeping a relationship together over the years, but when you add in the challenges of a chronic illness and major surgery, such as a transplant, the effect on a relationship can be huge.
Over the years in her position as liver transplant social worker, Linda Darrell, LCSW-C, has seen couples that rise to the occasion when a transplant is needed and others who do not fare well.
What makes the difference in a relationship?
She is convinced that one of the keys to a close relationship during a crisis is how a couple communicates and how honest they are willing to be with themselves, each other, and the situation.
According to Ms. Darrell, “The question is, what are their communication patterns normally and in the face of crisis? How did the couple’s pattern of communication evolve from the early phases of the relationship, when idealization and fantasy may have blinded their perspective? Now, much later how realistically does each partner examine situations as well as engage in honest communication within the relationship?”
“Over time a couple will formulate communication patterns that can be either supportive or destructive. The patterns may be too rigid or have no boundaries. The goal is to strike a balance, within a framework in which the couple can work on their relationship and through the crisis of the illness.”
When long-term illness strikes, that often becomes the focus of communication in the relationship, she observes. Skill in articulating one’s needs and wants becomes especially important when a partner is ill.
People think they will get past the current crisis, but often do not ask for the help they may need to reach the other side.
Complicating the situation is gender itself. Men, not usually talkative, especially about emotions they have, tend to focus on facts and on fixing problems.
Women on the other hand, may express an abundance of emotion and get caught up in details of the situation, thereby losing a larger perspective.
These differing communication styles can evolve into an endless frustration unless both parties resolve to face reality.
Some common responses to chronic illness are denial and avoidance, acting out, regressing, not dealing with illness, and suppressing the emotional pain.
Reflecting on the Chinese term for “crisis”, ji, which means opportunity, Ms. Darrell said illness can be seen as an opportunity for growth in the relationship, bringing with it more emotional intimacy and support.
Not many couples ask for help until they reach a crisis, but both she and psychologist Dr. David Edwin are available for consultation or referral. Ms. Darrel’s phone number is 410-955-6024, while Dr. Edwin’s is 410-955-3268.
