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Shelley Minch, kidney recipient |
When Wendy Voss’s son Erik told her she should meet his friend Mamie’s mother, Shelley, Wendy paid little attention. “Maybe one day,” she said.
Little did Wendy know that that “one day” would turn out to be the day of Erik’s funeral. Erik died of a heroin overdose at age 20. After the funeral, in November 1998, Shelley Minch approached Wendy and said, “Your son spoke to me at my house the night before he died. I would love to talk to you about our conversation.” Wendy suddenly remembered how fondly Erik spoke of Shelley and wanted to get to know her better. But more urgently, the grieving Wendy wanted to know what was on her son’s mind the night before he died.
The Wilmington, Delaware mothers met for lunch shortly thereafter, and so began a strong and enduring friendship. As Wendy learned more about their children’s friendship (“Mamie and Erik were not mainstream teenagers,” says Wendy), both women commiserated as mothers. Shelley provided tremendous comfort to Wendy as she sorted out her son’s life and death.
The night before Erik died, he had shared his hopes and dreams with Shelley. A frequent guest at their house, Erik had not visited for a while, so Shelley chatted with him for about 45 minutes. Ironically, he was upbeat and said things like, “I want to go back to school and I want to do more with my artistic talent.”
Wendy was distraught about her son’s death and the perception that she was a bad mother because he was involved with drugs. Shelley reassured her that her son’s emotional state went way beyond “good mothering,” and to a large extent was out of her control. “Shelley was completely nonjudgmental and became a wonderful friend,” says Wendy.
But while their friendship was growing, Wendy noticed that Shelley was in poor health. As their meetings became more frequent, Wendy had to accommodate Shelley’s dialysis schedule. Both of Shelley’s kidneys were removed in 1996 because of polycystic kidney disease. Her condition progressively worsened and within a few months after the two women met, Shelley learned she needed a transplant immediately.
Shelley moved to the top of the kidney donor list but was in a difficult position because, as a result of her previous surgeries, she had developed antibodies that could cause rejection of a new kidney. Her only hope was for her to undergo plasmapheresis, a procedure that filters blood and rids it of antibodies. She would need this procedure twice during the weeks prior to the transplant. But Shelley was also strongly urged to find a live donor because the surgery had a much better chance of success with a live donor.
When Wendy discovered she and Shelly shared the same blood type, without hesitation, she offered Shelley one of her kidneys. Wendy’s husband was shocked when he learned of her offer. He secretly hoped that after a series of tests Wendy would find out she was not a good match. He had already lost a son; and he feared losing his wife because of her altruism. Wendy’s mother, too, was against the idea.
But, just as Wendy presumed, the tests confirmed she was a perfect match. Several other people were tested, but she was the best match. This is part of a Divine plan, thought Wendy. Her husband relented because of her determination. “This was a no-brainer for me,” adds Wendy.
In September, 1999, the kidney transplant was scheduled at Hopkins. A friend bought them matching nightgowns and Wendy bought matching bathrobes. Wendy’s kidney worked so well, that the transplant team saw immediate positive results for Shelley—even before the transplant was completed. Wendy stayed in the hospital three days and was back to work part time after 3-1/2 weeks. She admits it was a little uncomfortable during that period, but she felt completely recovered within a couple of months.
“I went from feeling sick all the time to feeling great. What a wonderful gift Wendy gave me,” says Shelley. “I consider it a miracle,” says Wendy. “It’s almost as if Erik arranged it, with God’s help,” she notes.
Now the two women are inseparable. They both speak to various groups about their experience and about reaching out to troubled teens. The extended families have grown closer as well. Wendy’s younger son, Tighe, was only 16 when his older brother died and was devastated. Getting together with the Minch family provided tremendous comfort for him too. Thanksgiving became their holiday to share together, for obvious reasons.
There is much more to this story. Wendy’s kidney transplant wasn’t the first organ donation for the Voss family. Erik’s liver was successfully transplanted to a 47-year-old woman. It is also important to note that Erik had cleaned up his act before he relapsed, and Wendy believes he had an accidental overdose, or that he was depressed and needed medication. To learn about Erik and his struggles, be sure to read “The Spirit of Giving,” by Wayne Loder from the newsletter, We Need Not Walk Alone, summer 2000, www.compassionatefriends.org. Tighe also published a poem in that edition.
Wendy continues her work as an attorney but is now active in fighting drug addiction through a pre-release program at the Delaware Correctional Center for adults and the Ferris School for juvenile boys. She hopes her experience with Erik can help others.
Shelley feels great, although she suffered hearing loss as a result of overmedication. She received a cochlear implant and hears fairly well now. She volunteers in mentoring programs for former prisoners who were addicted to drugs and for Self-Help for Hard of Hearing. She also volunteers at the Winterthur Museum.
Both women are advocates for organ transplantation and will speak at an upcoming live donor recognition event at Hopkins in the spring. Shelley established and Wendy manages the Erik Livingston-Voss Memorial Scholarship at Erik’s Salesianium School.
Bridges Winter 2002-2003
